Belonging

I’ve been struggling with this for some time. For most of my adult life, I suppose.

I’ve never wanted to follow the crowd, nor belong to that crowd; I’ve never joined in too much when it wasn’t for me; I’ve resisted temptation and pressure. I hope I’ve always been true to myself, and to my principles, however flawed they may be. I guess this is probably the issue at hand and why I am struggling to make any progress, especially now that the world is in turmoil, with no end in sight. There is too much out there that makes no sense to me. It’s a world in which I don’t feel at home.

Lately, I’ve found this question of belonging rising back up to the surface, where it cannot be ignored. I live in a society which is very different to that I knew in the West for the first fifty-something years of my life. I am not complaining. Taiwan has an awful lot to offer, and it is the place I have chosen to call home, but it is very different. I just fear that I will never actually belong here. I will always be an outsider. The way I think and act is alien to most people here. In fact, the way I think and act is probably alien to most people back in the Old Country, too. Come to think of it, I don’t think I belong there either, but I would like to go back to check.

Day to day, I’m trying to do what’s best for my children. They have given me unexpected joy, fear, happiness, anger, and frustration, but mostly they have given me a purpose. For the first time, I feel that I have done something worthwhile with my life. I will do whatever I can to ensure they have the best start to their lives, but it isn’t easy when you don’t belong. There is nothing I can do to put right the things which cause me so much grief. Simple things. How do I get anyone to listen? I don’t belong, so who cares what I think?

Maybe I should just stop thinking.

Sorry. I’ve been on the G&T, and got into a bit of a ramble. I could have done better with a clear head.